Cooking With Valtiel
by Dark Jester KID
Summary: Mm-mm, good! Not for those with a weak stomache.
1. Heart Cake

Cooking With Valtiel

By: DJKID  
Valtiel and all SH related objects (C) KonamiMy fan Val's: Geek, Tattoo, and Twitchy and Myself (C) MeYero (C) Himself"Big Bird" title for Air Screachers (C) The TerrapinAN: Please DO NOT attempt to cook the things demonstrated in this fic, and please DO NOT sue me for using these charas cuz I clearly just said who their proper owners are, and also note that I know next to nothing about cooking. Therefore, all recipies were written by a very, very close and talented friend of mine. I warn you, not for those with a weak stomache. Please review. Ty.

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Static appears on the screen of a very deformed TV that looks like it's bleeding.

"Good goodness! BETTY! Fix the TV!" A rather lazy Insane Cancer yelled to a Closer in a french maid outfit. She rolled her unseeable eye's and began fiddeling around with the TV's settings until a picture came into to view. After awhile of channel surfing they landed on good ol' channel BBC 2(That's England cooking shows). The auidence was clapping and the camera was begining to focus on a rather bloody stage made to resemble a kitchen. Upon squinting your eyes one could tell that the so called "audience" consisted more of living, breathing piles of flesh and deformed creatures than actual people, should there really be any.

"Oh I love this show! The cast is so stupid." The Cancer said clapping its blobby hand's together. 'Betty' sat in a corner, wondering what her meaning in life was. Back to the show, Valtiel magically appeared behind the corner waving and blowing kisses to the audience. He wore a white, bloody apron and rather sloppily thrown on chef's hat.

"Greetings boys, gals, and those of undefined gender!" He announced to the crowd as he took his place behind the counter, "Welcome to yet another episode of Cooking With Valtiel!" The monsters seated before him let out a roar of applause and Valtiel gave an overly graceful bow. Upon standing back upright he adjusted his hat, "Today we will be-DEAR ALESSA!!" Poor Valtiel found himself cut off as he was tackled by a girl with glasses, dressed in all black, and with short black hair(obviously dyed several times). The blob of creatures leaned forward, some burst into laughter. Valtiel wiggled on the floor trapped by the opposing human.

"I got him!! Yero, c'mere!" The girl shouted over her shoulder as she proceeded to tie up Valtiel. A boy wearing baggy black pants and a shirt 2 sizes to big for him scurried over to the odd girl.

"What up Deej?" Yero asked. His answer was Valtiel being tossed at him.

"Take him out to the car for me would ya?" DJKID asked him, but Yero was more focused on the rather vicious monsters that made up Valtiel's audience.

"Uh...Deej?"

"Yus, Yero?"

"What about them?" He indicated the unhappy critters with his shoulder as he tried to get a grip on the squirming Valtiel. DJ blinked and faced the monstrositys for the first time. She merely shrugged them off.

"Ignore them, they won't bite. Now lets go 'fore the cops catch us. We're on public television here!" She began shoving Yero in the direction of the door. Yero's eye's grew wide as he faced DJ.

"PUBLIC TELEVISION?!Deej, we've been saying each other's name's this whole time and you didn't warn me?!" DJ stopped, blinked, thought, and her mouth dropped open.

"Aw crap! RUN!" Yero dropped Valtiel as him and DJKID made mad-dashes for the door, "Don't worry Val! I'll come back for you my love!" DJ shouted over her shoulder as she and the odd boy dove through the exit and sped away in what was most likely a stolen vehicle. Valtiel merely stood in place, eye twitching. After several seconds he glanced at the camera man.

"We still on?" The Double Head gave a thumbs up, we won't ask how he did we just know he did. There were several breif moments of scilence before Valtiel gathered the strength to throw on a plastic grin, "OK now that _that_ incident's out of the way, onto our show!" The crowd let out several cheers although some of the cheer-ers seemed to be still tyring to get over the matter, "Today, we'll be baking a delicious Heart Cake!" Cue crowd eagerness. Valtiel snapped his fingers and three of his clones appeared, "Everyone, we remember Tattoo," The tallest one gave a wave and bow to the audience and it was obvious how it got its name, "Twitchy," The twitchiest one muttered something under his breath but gave a tiny wave, "and Geek!" The one wearing bright red goggles, chewing bubblegum, and holding the DOG waved and smiled. The crowd was a happy one, while the three new characters attended to things. The question: "Does Val do any of the cooking himself?" would be a good one to ask about now, "Preheat your oven to 450, or should it be a special occasion I recommend 600. Alright folks, the ingredients are as follows:

2 cups of wet sugar

1 stick of arterry

1 cup of bile

1 cup of shortening

2 tablespoons of large veins (Be sure to include coco, and they should preferably be blue)

2 cups of Numb Body tails (No offense." Several Numb Bodies located int he crowd squeeked)

4 Big Bird eggs (No offense." Several Air Screachers in the crowd squawked)

1/2 cup of Patient Demon milk (No offense." Several Patient Demons threw up)

1 tsp of arsenic

And the most important ingredient, 3 cups of human hearts!

I know you love icing so the best kind that works with this cake is cold blood mixed with stomache fluid and crushed livers.

Next, for materials you'll need a large bowl,13x9 cooking pan, and a large brick." If you are human, you should be either laughing, disgusted, or you might be a cannibal that likes poison and can travel to the Silent Hill world so you're enjoying this. This whole time the three clones have been running about and gathering the items as they were called. As Valtiel continued giving instructions his little helpers were carrying out all the tasks. The most Valtiel himself did was get Patient Demon milk in his eye, which was knocked over by the DOG("Watch what you're doing!""Hey DEG's just trying to help.""Oh for love of valves."). Eventually the cake did make it to the oven, that's the important thing, "Now after 20 to 40 minutes, remove the cake and allow it to cool for about 15 minute. Apply icing, and enjoy!" A sample of the complete cake was sitting on the counter. Geek is prodding it with a stick and DEG is sniffing at it, Twitchy looks read to complain or better yet sue someone, and Tattoo's just lovin all the attention.

"Hey, Tat!" A female Patient Demon called. Tattoo perked up and we're sure she felt very special.  
"Yes?""Interested in dating some time?""Sorry I don't go that way."  
"What..?"  
"I'm a girl."

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Referring to that....stuff they spit at you oO


	2. Puttanesca Valtiel's Special Style!

**Cooking With Valtiel**

**Episode- 2**

AN: I went brain dead towards the end. I didn't check for typos either. Was in a big hurry. Damn I'm hungry.

All recipes made by Doctor G. Reaper.

Disclaimer o' DOOM: Valtiel and all Silent Hill objects (C) Konami

Geek, Tattoo, Twitchy, and Myself (C) Me

The Pyramid Head Show (C) TruesonofJenova

Lemony Snicket and all A Series of Unfortunate Events stuff (C) Lemony Snicket

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Cut to the stage of Cooking With Valtiel, that currently contains no Valtiel. It just contains monsters getting the scene ready, no Val. So lets go to the studio next door...

To no one's real surprise, we find Valtiel leaning on Pyra's desk. Pyra is the host of 'The Pyramid Head Show', which is written by TruesonofJenova. You'll go read that fic now if ya know what's good for ya. ("DJ, you slang's slipping into your fics.""Oh shoosh it. I'm the author, therefore I can be a lazy ass.") "So Pyra, how's your show going?" Val asks in a good natured sorta way. He's a good natured kinda guy. Pyra sighed,

"Hell, as usual." Val frowned,

"Sorry to hear that,"and smiled,"I decided to start my own show!" Pyra stared at his poor, soon to be doomed friend. The life of a host was a very, very bad one indeed, "Well Pyra, was nice chatting with ya, but I've gotta get going! Toodle-oo!" Valtiel smiled, waved, and left the scene. Pyra stared. Then Douglas ran by,

"ASS CHEEKS O' POWEEEEERRRRRRR!!!"

Some Amount o' Time Later

Valtiel was struggling with the insane author, DJKID, once more. One can safely assume that yes, she is obsessed, "Oh please, someone get 'er off me!!" Two Insane Cancers chase off the author, she has a very large fear of fat naked men after all. Valtiel let out a sigh of relief, when a winged pig suddenly flew over to him and handed him a note:

Dear Ultra Super Cool Awesome Sexeh Valtiel,

This isn't over yet

Love DJKID

PS This message will now self-destruct

As soon as poor Val finished reading the message it burst into flame. He dropped the paper with a squeak of terror and then turned to the note delivering pig, which proceeded to explode and cover him gooey winged pig guts. A Mannequin poked into the room and held up a sign reading 'We start in 5'. Quickly, Val scurried onto the set of his infamous cooking show, Cooking With Valtiel. The Numb Body operating the camera gave Val a worried look. After all, everyone knows Val wouldn't hurt a fly, he's afraid it'll eat him. The star of the show gave a thumbs up, eye(or location of eye) twitching.

"Oh goody, Betty! That show 's starting again!" The shows dedicated Insane Cancer viewer and his French maid Closer, Betty, sat on the couch of Nightmare with some popcorn.

Cue lame theme music and crowd applause. Valtiel smiled, bowed, and twitched, nothing fascinating. Geek leaped out of some innocent person's laptop, with his trusty doggy DEG. Tattoo fell down some stairs and onto the stage, and Twitchy dropped from celieing all cool like. A twin demon was kind enough to throw a tin can at Twitchy's head. Twitchy broke into a seizure. No one cared.

"Welcome one and all to another edition of, Cooking With Valtiel!" Pyra seems to have snuck over from the set of his show and is now blowing a kazoo annoyingly loud. He most likely got it from a Patient Demon. Not only is the kazoo loud, Valtiel can't stand the sound of kazoos. Ever since the mysterious 'Kazoo Incident' he's made it his secret duty to destroy all kazoos, "T-T-T-...." Val turned from the camera and shot a death glare at Pyra. This doesn't stop good ol' Pyra though. Valtiel looked to Tattoo and nodded. The female version of Val grinned evilly and walked off scene.

**Intermission - Please Stand By ) **Appearers on the bleeding TV screen of Betty and her Insane Cancer pimp. However, screams and snarls and many other unpleasant sounds can be herd from the TV. The two exchange worried glances before munching on their popcorn. Eventually, the screen changes back to show Val smiling, Tat covered in blood, a missing Twitchy, and a very scared Geek and DEG.

"Well now, on with the show!" A now very happy Valtiel exclaims, "Today we'll be preparing a my very own special style for Puttanesca!" The crowd exchanges murmurs of confusion.

"Excuse me!" A man in a trench coat with a 'CENSORED' sign blocking his face makes his way onto the stage.

"Who the hell are you?" Valtiel is very confused, and wonders why this episode is so crazy. It's probably because the author has no life.

"I am Lemony Snicket, author of A Series of Unfortunate Events. I believe Puttanesca was used in MY movie." Several ASoUE charas have followed after Lemony. This includes the orphans, Count Olaf and his henchman, Esme Gigi Geniveve Squalor, Mr. Poe, his wife, and Beatrice, "I demand you use a different recipe on this horrible, so called, cooking show of yours. A phrase here which means-" And before poor Lemony could continue his head exploded. Such is the power of an author's laziness and Silent Hill. The other ASoUE charas merely stood there amazed before slowly leaving the studio.

"...As I was saying! Puttanesca! The ingredients are as follows:

1 and 1/2 tbsp. of extra Mother-of-God olive oil (Reassured, not literally!)

1 fat clove of pancreas

10 or 12 plump hearts from little girls with short, black hair (remove pits)

1 tsp of bile

2-inch stripe of saliva paste

1 small chopped tomato (I leave the seeds in, but you can remove them if you like.)

Crushed stomach (extra tasty with a lot of acid)

Blood and pasta for one person (I like Penne or Rotini)"

And because the author is a lazy prick, the food was instantly prepared. Not only is the author lazy, but she has no life and no motivation. Doesn't she suck?

"OK, we will now force someone to try this wonderful dish!" The crowd gasped in amazement. No one ever thought someone would actually EAT this crap.

"The dog!" A member of the group cried out. So everyone turned to DEG.

"You can't do that! It's not nice at all!" Geek pouted, protecting his dog.

"Come now, it's just a dog."

"If he gets sick I'm suing."

"Oh fine." And so, the believed to be food was forced into Twitchy's mouth, who quickly ran off scene. Very not happy, and twitchy. After several moments of silence Valtiel turned back to the camera, "Well that's today's episode. Buh-bye-bye!"

And then Betty's Insane Cancer pimp exploded cuz the author says so.


	3. Cookies!

**Cooking With Valtiel**

**Episode- 3**

**AN: I listened to Bowling for Soup and messed with my hair the entire time I wrote this. I also chatted with white mage 12, lovely person them. I tip my fake-British tea to them... I hate tea...**

**Anyone wanna kill me for making a female Valtiel yet?**

**Oh wow this fic has a lot of fragments. Please look over those; if I wanted to write something shockingly good, then I would type something along those lines.**

**And I can not find the italics button on this thing, wtf? (I'm using that damn fancy Microsoft Word crap. I normally settle with WordPad. Yes I KNOW it should be at the top by 'U' and 'B' but it's not! Once more, wtf? )**

**Has anyone caught on I'm using this to talk to myself. I'm depressing, hm?**

**Shiznizzle! Dr. Reaper's gonna kill me! I keep loosing that damn recipe! Very very sorry, love! ;;**

**BTW- Yes, I do really own a Matrix jacket. It shines! D**

**BTBTW- Be sure to stay up-to-date on The PH Show and 21 Sacraments Game Show.**

**All recipes made by Doctor G. Reaper.**

**Disclaimer o' DOOM: Valtiel and all Silent Hill objects (C) Konami**

**Geek, Tattoo, Twitchy, and Myself (C) Me**

**The Pyramid Head Show and most things having to do with it (C) TruesonofJenova**

Today we tune in on the scene to discover Valtiel is nowhere to be found. An all-out search has been sent underway to track down the star of tonight's show. Turns out the poor boy never left his room, Tattoo is standing patiently outside his door, "Valtiel, you can't hide in there forever you know." She's kind enough to inform him. Her reply is a faint sniffing and,

"I know... But I plan to as long as I can."

"Don't you wanna host your show?"

"Not really..." Cue gasps,

"Why not?" Sniff,

"'Cause I'll get attacked by True Son of Jenova's evil agents."

"No you won't."

"Yeah-huh."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yeah-huh."

"Nuh-uh." This continues...

Meanwhile, in a studio far, far away...

"I demand to speak with TSoJ!" DJKID seems to want to pick a bone with the writer of The PH Show.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but we can not allow that." Says a man in a black suit, clearly a bodyguard. One can't help but wonder how TSoJ managed to scramble enough money for that.

"Well then, I will have to use my Matrix Kung-Fu Action!" That said, the idiotic teen made a dash away from the creepy man. Mr. Bodyguard waited patiently for her return, which did eventually arrive. This time she had on her Matrix jacket as she striked various wannabe Kung-Fu poses. Mr. Bodyguard proceeded to drag our poor, defenseless author off as she screamed of one day having her bitter sweet revenge.

Back to the unfortunate incident we're having with Val…

Tattoo was getting fed up. She was getting really, really, REALLY frustrated. So frustrated in fact she stole Geek's laptop, which is nothing new but she did do it. With this laptop, instead of beat someone with it or blow it up or something as equally dreadful, she began typing on it. Tattoo proceeded to print out all the reviews for Cooking with Valtiel and shove the paper under the door, "Look Val, they love you! Now how about coming out of that cozy room of yours and running your show? How does that sound?" There were several moments of silence.

"Right, good, cheery-o!" Valtiel said as he leaped out of his room. It would seem he'll do anything for a loving audience. Now you know why you must review kiddies; if you don't, Val won't host the next show.

Valtiel skipped his way onto the stage and waved to the grisly audience, "So sorry for the delay in today's show, we were having an unfortunate incident starring a block of cheese and a brush." The audience had no idea what this meant, and could not even fathom what kind of unfortunate incident you could have with a block of cheese and a brush, but decided to just nod and pretend they understood to make their host feel good. They're a friendly audience like that. Mainly because Valtiel doesn't kill any of them, unlike a CERTAIN host whom we all know and wish to poke at.

Valtiel proceeded to list off the items for today's show, all of which were gathered by clones as normal, "Ahem, today's reciepe is my special award winning chocolate chip cookies!" Everyone in the audience leaned forward anxiously, "Ingredients are as follows:

4 1/2 cups of flour

2 teaspoons arsenic

2 cups of melted human flesh

1 1/2 cups packed old crushed bones

1/2 cup fresh crushed bones

2 (3.4 ounce) packages instant vanilla pudding mix

4 air screecher eggs(preferably nightmare)

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

4 cups semisweet chocolate chips

2 cups chopped fingers (optional)"

And so the cookies were prepared and a plate of them was set on the table, "Now the unfortunate eater of today's delicacy will be..." Valtiel looked around thoughtfully, "Tattoo!" Tattoo did a double-take before pointing to herself with a confused expression. Valtiel nodded and Tattoo gave the cookies a worried look, women always suffer in Silent Hill as you know. She carefully removed a cookie from the plate and eyed it suspiciously. Tattoo nibbled slightly at the cookie, before giving a thumbs up to the audience. She's such a cheap-o.

After the show…

Valtiel gulped and gave DJKID a nervous look, "Are you sure we can get away with this without being sued…or mentally scarred once more?"

"Absolutely, hundred percent, majo' big-o sure my friend!" DJKID replied from the other side of a large wooden desk, a dark shadow covering her features, "TSOJ needs to get what he finally deserves." Her voice oozing with hate.

"What about Pyra?"

"Oh don't you worry about him, I haven't forgotten…I haven't forgotten…"

An evil cackle filled the air.

**Wh00t chicky. Short, sweet, and simple.**

**:falls asleep:**


End file.
